Compassionate Practice of Surrender
Carl Jung says that “what you resist persists.” I have seen the truth of that statement. Resisting reality is exhausting, and it does not change the reality. Surrender on the other hand is letting go, and it brings peace. Surrendering is a release factor that preserves energy for the things that are in my power to control. It has taken me a long time to apply this.
A year round season in my life, that has given me the opportunity to appreciate the art of surrender, is one of the many “invisibles” I experience is anxiety. I had my first anxiety attack at 19. It was not a “typical” anxiety attack. I was sleeping and all of a sudden felt this strong urge to cry. I would cry and stop, cry and stop. I was hyperventilating so much I could not catch my breath. With each inhale there was panic because more oxygen was leaving then entering. My teeth were chattering like I was in a bed of ice. Then, I did not know at the time, that I was experiencing disassociation. I could hear all that was going on around me but I was not able to respond. My eyes were closed so I look like I was passed out. I could hear my family talking to me and I could feel in my head responding but not able to vocally speak. That disassociated feeling alone was anxiety producing.
My parents were so scared and did not know what to do so they called the ambulance. Of course when the ambulance got there I was starting to respond vocally. Of all the things I felt that night, embarrassment was a big one. I thought something was wrong with me physically. I thought if there is a physical problem then that would be more acceptable to me. Of course, my parents, wanting to be safe than sorry, had the ambulance take me to the hospital. When the doctors told me it was an anxiety attack and gave me Xanax, I felt ashamed. I mean they were basically telling me it was all in my head. I was angry at my body for “making all this up”. Making me feel like I was going to suffocate, or that I was having heart attack. I felt so bad that my parents had to pay an ambulance and hospital bill for “nothing”. Instead of feeling relieved nothing worse was wrong, I felt shame for having nothing to “show” for my symptoms. This society always wants evidence something to show for why something happened. To say anxiety attack is so intangible and invisible. There is also a misconception that if it’s in your head, it’s something you can control but if it’s from the body (like diabetes) you can’t.
From that moment started my 13 year journey with anxiety, the “invisible” it has been a constant companion of mine. It also started the separating of me. Putting the part of me that is anxious in a corner left alone to be looked upon with shame. Me wishing I was different, stronger and better able to handle things. As a self help junkie, I poured myself into books about anxiety and how to “beat it”. I thought I could “will” away the anxiety. A book I read that started to introduce me to the idea of surrender was called The Panic Cure. It helped me to see the anxiety attacks as waves. As waves they will rise and fall. They will come and go. I was learned that nothing bad was happening to me, although my mind thought that. It was like a false alarm being triggered. Once I allowed it to happen, surrender to it. It did not eliminate them but it definitely reduced the intensity and time it took to pass. Once I got that concept it became easier to deal with. I was able to learn about my triggers: I was more prone to have them around my menstrual cycle, when I over do it physically and I am in a lot of pain that triggers me, all types of stress especially emotional stress, when I deny how I am feeling or berate myself for how I feel.
The gifts in this season of anxiety is learning the art of surrender, acceptance, increased self awareness, insight into why things trigger me. also, learning to take that rejected and shameful part of me that I has anxiety and own it to love myself unconditionally. I feel acceptance is a vital key to surrender. When you can see things as they are, not worse or better, than acceptance can be achieved. I am trying to see things in life factually. Like I experience anxiety in my life. When I get into the Why? That is where I get into trouble. Like why do I have anxiety? Why can’t I be stronger? Or another habit that Albert Ellis called “shoulding” on myself. I shouldn’t be anxious. I find those things are obstacles to surrender. But going through those obstacles only make me appreciate surrender that much more. Fighting anxiety is harder, it’s more painful and puts a condition on being able to love myself. When I can accept that experiences in life and being an imperfect human being I will have bouts of anxiety then I can embrace it without making it mean I am unlovable. This is the first of many bricks that make up the wall of unconditional self-love that I am continuing to build and maintain.
Do you struggle with anxiety? How have you been able to cope? I would love to hear you comments down below. If you have questions please feel free to comment.
