My Fear Came True and I am Better For it!

One of my greatest fears came true and I saw the truth of this quote.

What if?=Fear Even if!=Faith. I saw this quote on Pinterest and it stopped me in my tracks. It’s so simple and yet so powerful.

I wasn’t planning to have a child.

Because of the conditions I have I decided not to have a child. I thought it was not possible to give my child the best because I was not a healthy mom. As life would have it. I would soon learn that is not true after having my son.

I had anxiety before I was pregnant but when I found out I was going to have a child, I realized I did not know anxiety. I had heard of postpartum depression but not about prenatal anxiety. There was so much I was afraid of. I feel so sad to think I was afraid to have a boy because I had read that the rate of autism was higher with boys.

Then I found out I was having a boy.

I read a quote that said that anxiety is when you what you fear overrides how much confidence you have in your ability to handle what you fear. I agree with this. I don’t find comfort when others tell me that what I fear won’t happen because that is not a guarantee but I do appreciate when I am reminded that no matter what I will be ok.

So when my son was born I was on the lookout for anything that resembled what I feared. When my son was about 6months I had some suspicions. When he learned to walk and I saw him do the tiptoe walk, I was concerned. I would go on YouTube and look at other autistic children to see if my son did the same behaviors. He definitely had stimming behaviors. I would tell my husband and he would tell me your overreacting. By the time he was one and a half and I was concerned about his speech and vocal stims he displayed.

The Diagnosis

At my son’s two year check up, the doctor asked how many words he spoke. He definitely did not have the 50 words that was “typical” for that age. So, our pediatrician was concerned he had a speech delay and he referred us to early intervention. They evaluated him and did note delays. They told me they were not allowed to diagnose. So we made an appointment to see a Pediatric Neurologist.

I will say by the time we had our appointment with the pediatric neurologist, I had prepared in my mind that my son was on the spectrum. I remember him getting a hearing test so that we could make sure his hearing was ok. He passed with flying colors. On one hand I was relieved and the other it was pushing me to accept that what I feared may be happening.

When the doctor said he was on the spectrum. I was not crushed. I feel like I had some time to gradually accept the reality. That’s not to say I did not have my moments before the appointment. I love the way the doctor said to my husband and I that autism is called a spectrum disorder for a reason. She said she could give us a book or read something off but that each child is unique and presents differently.

She said my son was “high functioning” and that the way we should look at this is how can we get him the support he needs. I appreciated that perspective because that is what matters. Getting my son the support he needs in order for him to thrive.

What I have learned.

Sharing is healing. Sharing also helps us to feel more connected and less alone in our struggle when we hear similar experiences of others. This is one of the many articles I will write on this journey of mothering a special needs child.

The lessons I have learned is that when my son was born I loved him before he “accomplished” anything. I loved him because he was alive. He has taught me unconditional love. Love does not stop because we are “different-abled”. It challenged stigma’s that I bought into. The love that I withheld from my own self because of the limitations I had.

It pushed me to go WAYYY out of my comfort zone to learn how to advocate for him. I’m still working on that. He helped me find my voice and to learn that being a healthy mom was not all that my child needs. He needs a compassionate, loving mom to model to him what love means. The love that I have been taught to reflect. The love that NEVER fails. The love that reminds me where my support will always come from and strengthens my faith in the one who has NEVER let me down. The one who continues to make me a better version of who I am. To him I do belong!

Please let me know in the comments 👇🏽 if you are a special needs mom, or if there was a fear that came true for you and it made you better.

Remember to give yourself some compassion today 🦋